Adventure Incorporated

Thailand Hotel Guide

• Royal Cliff Beach Resort
• Royal Cliff Grand Hotel
• Royal Cliff Terrace Hotel
• Royal Wing & Spa Hotel

This is a true story that is not in any of my journals, with only slight trivial modifications to make it possible to be a Stickman submission. There is no exaggeration...this really happened. For those who read and gave feedback on my Thai Journal 8, where I visited Thailand for massage therapy for the many self-inflicted health issues I’m nursing right now, I thank you. This yarn is a perfect example of what I’ve been doing to my body for years now. We reap what we sow, and this includes stupid Cavemen who have more brawn than brains.

On one of my Thailand excursions years ago, I found myself in the extreme Northern climes of Thailand, north even of Chiang Rai, in the Chiang Saen area near the Golden Triangle. I decided to go hiking, one of my favorite pastimes. Let’s enjoy some sweet Thai upcountry air and get some exercise. Get the blood pumping. I did some recon of the area trails and even succeeded in getting a hiking map of the surrounding area, which happened to be right upon / close to the Doi Tung mountain region. These are some beautiful mountains, steeped in wildlife, vegetation, humidity, frequent rains, and also replete with magnificent beauty. The locals are friendly. Having no hiking partner did not put me off one bit. Heck, people suck...animals are cool. Adventure at its best. Let’s leave civilization behind.

I rented a car and took it to the base of one of the mountains, and proceeded along a “finger” (a finger is a ridgeline along the top of a mountain crest) towards a peak beyond Doi Tung which was my destination. The distance one way was approximately 13 km, and I estimated that as I departed on my trek at about 10 AM, I should have adequate time to get to my destination and back to my car before sunset. To fail to accomplish this would mean being stranded out all night. No problem. This idiot is an experienced hiker in excellent physical condition (mental is another matter).

As I departed, the vegetation was thick and got thicker as I proceeded. I wore only some flimsy gym shorts and carried 2 quart canteens full of water attached to a military style cartridge belt around my waist so I could go hands-free. Carrying food was deemed unnecessary, as I did not plan to be out past sunset and would be back to my car and out to a restaurant in time to quench any hunger and / or thirst by dinner time. At first, the hike went well. It was all uphill toward my destination. I passed a few locals in the lower part of the trek who were hunting. I would find out later that they were hunting some type of wildlife, and their weapons were evidence of this, long rifles as they were. Exactly what they were hunting for, I know not. Luckily, it was not human. They smiled at me and we passed as ships in the night. I returned their smiles and continued along on my mission to the peak.

As I continued my journey, it was breathtaking how the terrain and topography of the area changed as the elevation grew higher. The temperature drop was quite welcome, and the heat and humidity dissipated as I climbed higher toward the clouds. The chirping and buzzing of the many different types of indigenous wildlife rang in my ears. I thought I saw movement on many occasions, and believe some of the animals were monkeys. But these devils are quite careful not to be noticed. They know you’re coming long before you arrive. I left the Thai hunters behind and at some point, I felt as if I were the only human being in the area. The quiet, aside from some of the insect life, was deafening. Those who have been to the Grand Canyon will understand this feeling of extreme quiet amidst spectacular beauty. It is an awe-inspiring experience that really brings you in touch with nature. I went for about an hour and saw nothing living as I ascended toward the Thai heavens toward my goal. The quiet became complete as I toiled my way forward in a more and more hurried pace. The air was clean and smelled vaguely of burning wood, as the inhabitants of this area are in the habit of burning leaves, and the smoke permeates the air for miles around. After about 3 hours, I attained a point where I could see the entire surrounding area for miles around. The view was spectacular, and I could see a couple of towns in the distance through the haze and humidity. It was quite nostalgic, and the endorphins flowing through my veins from my exertions made me feel like I was on top of the world. Oh what a feeling! To have one’s health is the only thing that really matters! A jet flew overhead, and I imagined what destination the passengers were destined for. They had no idea that some crazy farang hiker in Thailand was espying their progress. Nor would they have given a rat’s ass if they did, I guess.

At many points in this hike, there were trail intersections where it was challenging to decide which branch was the proper way ahead. Reading my topographical map gave me no solution to the proper way ahead on some of these branches, and some of the side trails were not depicted. The fact that the trail I was on paralleled a road about 5 km to the west gave me a bit of rudder steer, but the navigation was still difficult. At one point, I arrived at an intersection where it appeared that a branch trail depicted on my map headed directly toward the road. I performed a simple reconnaissance to verify my location in the belief that if I were short of time on the way back, I could take this trail to the road and get to my car that way along a lighted and paved road. A safety measure. It bore no fruit...I expected to be able to hear traffic after about 15 minutes, but could not. I therefore got back on the main trail, having wasted valuable time, and stiffened my pace toward the peak. So much for my recon efforts.

At the peak of the mountain, I rested only a few minutes to admire the spectacular view that I had worked so hard to achieve, as I had a rendezvous with my car, and time was of the essence if I were to get back to the comfort of my precious rental vehicle before sunset.

On my return, the vegetation for some reason seemed thicker than on my way toward the peek. This was critical. A false step could mean being stranded out after dark, and my water reserves were gone. I had no water left in my canteens, and I was hot as all Hell and approaching dehydration as well as heat exhaustion. At this point, my adrenalin started to pump its fluids into my veins as I realized that I was really battling the clock to make it back to the comfort of my vehicle and thence onto my hotel and creature comforts I desperately desired. The vegetation I was hiking through grew higher and higher, thorn bushes became more frequent, and the trail on which I was traveling was fading as I continued my hiking. Soon the vegetation was over my head and I could see nothing further than a few feet in front of me. I strongly suspected that I had taken a wrong turn and somehow missed the main trail from which I originally came. How did that happen? I was being so damn careful. Unfortunately for me, the vegetation was so bloody high that doing a recon of the area to check out the surrounding terrain features was impossible. I ventured a bit more and finally came to an area where I could perform a decent surveillance of the surrounding ridgelines, the tops of which the trails went upon. It took me a few minutes, but looking around, I saw that a finger directly to my East appeared to intersect and also directly parallel with the finger along which I was currently navigating. At some point to my rear, it appeared that they met, and this was the intersection I missed. Shit! The answer to my debacle was clear. I surmised the problem. I had taken a wrong turn, and the ridgeline I was on was the wrong one. I was supposed to be on the one that I was looking at directly to the East. If you’ve followed me this far, you understand the problem. Although I knew that I had taken a wrong turn, getting back to the ridgeline I was supposed to be on would not be an easy task. Since the vegetation was so damn high, there were not that many opportunities to scan the area, and I would have to find the intersection which I had evidently missed. This would not be easy at all. Not only that, but retracing my steps meant that I would be wasting precious sunlight even if I did properly locate the missed intersection, and the sun was closing in rapidly on the horizon.

I galvanized my personal resources. It was time for a bold decision. Shit or get off the pot. I knew exactly where I was and exactly where I wanted to be, but this information was little use to me at this point because getting where I wanted to be was exceedingly difficult, what with my inability to fly. Retracing my steps was ruled out, since I would have no idea where the trail intersection was that I had evidently missed, and the thick vegetation would make this task exceedingly difficult. I therefore made an almost unbelievable / inexplicable but very bold and what I considered to be a necessary decision. I would scale the terrain between myself, on the ridgeline I was on, and the ridgeline I needed to be on. Connect the dots. Shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line (Caveman logic), and all that happy horse shit. I therefore had to navigate my way straight down the precipitous side of the mountain I was on into a gulley, and then navigate my way back up the other mountain side, steep as it was. Yet I had no idea what was at the bottom and how difficult the going would be in getting up the mountainside I was peering at. From my vantage point, I could not see the very bottom. Oh, well, life’s a bitch. Let’s go. Hahahahaha.

I started my descent down the mountainside. For a few feet, I was able to navigate properly. But eventually, the vegetation was so damn high that I could not make further progress. I was stuck in the bush, which was about neck high, and even though is was a precipitous downhill, the vegetation impeded further progress. I noticed that there appeared to be very few rocks, but there were plenty of thorn bushes and other scrub. Screw it. This is when I decided to throw ballast overboard, and I literally jumped into the air and threw myself down the side of the mountain, rolling head over heal down the mountain side over the top of the vegetation on the side of the mountain, and in this way I was able to make it to the bottom of the gulley. I got stuck in vegetation at one point. My legs were caught...pinned in the vines. At that time, I threw my torso forward with a concerted thrust, which broke the rest of my body free and enabled me to continue my roll and reach the bottom. Ahhhhh, here I was now at the bottom of the gulley. Oh, shit, what the Hell am I doing down here?! Damn, is it hot down here! Not only that, but there was a small nasty stream of runoff water in this gulley. It was nasty and milky looking, and warm as all Hell. More mud than water in fact. But how thirsty I was! But could I drink it? No way. I did have some chlorine and iodine water purification tablets on me, but this was for use as a last resort. At this point, I thought I was lucky to be alive and to have made it down into the gulley. Now I had to search for a way up to the ridgeline to the East.

Nothing could have been more impossible. There was no way I could scale the mountain to achieve the ridgeline I wanted to acquire. For one thing, the ascent was far too steep. For another thing, the vegetation was far too thick to navigate through and get to the top, and to aggravate matters, the mountain side was nothing but mud. I therefore had no choice but to continue down the gulley between the ridgelines and look for a place where I could properly navigate my way to the top of the Eastern ridgeline and reacquire the trail I wanted to be on. Easier said than done. The vegetation in this gulley was about 8 feet high, and not only that, but it just about completely obstructed my path! What was there to do? I was trapped in the gulley! I started to feel really claustrophobic, and if I wasn’t panicking before, now I certainly was. My life hung in the balance. I noticed that there was just a small bit of space at the extreme bottom of the gulley where there were rocks on which I could low crawl...on my stomach, knees and elbows!! This was the only way to make forward progress. What a plight. And to boot, I had no clothing on except some flimsy nylon gym shorts...not even a shirt. At this point, the gym shorts were quite tattered and torn and I might as well have been naked. Oh, well, there’s nothing for it. On my stomach, doing the low crawl like a soldier navigating his way under concertina wire to assault the objective under thorns and over rocks, I might have made about 100 feet every 20 minutes. It was that or lay there and accept death. I literally inched my way along the gulley, scraping along bit by painful bit. I was just about in tears at many moments of this trek and sincerely thought I would soon meet my doom and that my body might give out. I was completely parched, low crawling my way in runoff water / mud over rocks and under thorns which were tearing at my back. Adrenalin knocked back any minor pain. I was talking to myself, becoming delirious. To compound my difficulties, my left eye had caught a thorn or branch somewhere back there, and the vision from that eye was impaired. I was therefore also plodding along with pretty much one good eye.

Finally I was feeling completely dehydrated, and the sun was dropping lower and lower, but the heat was quite extreme. I needed water or I was going to perish. Considering my alternatives, the only available water was the putrid runoff water I was low crawling through. In some areas, it formed small ponds. It was either that or give up and accept death. Heck, if I drink, it, I thought in my misery, I might die at that, and what a miserable death from putrescent water! But die I certainly would if I did not have some hydration. Shit, there were nasty vermin frequenting these pools of milky, nasty runoff water. Did I really have to drink this warm liquid?! I noted that there were even some sort of tadpoles (or some such critters) swimming around in this muck, jumping in and out of this primordial mud. Yes, it was muck at best! You could not even see through it. Aw shit. I reluctantly filled both my canteens, and used my iodine tablets and the chlorine in an attempt to purify the water for drinking so that at least I would not die of dehydration. Twenty minutes later, I chugged down the liquid, which was nasty at best. But I was beyond caring at this point. I just wanted to stay alive.

Continuing literally inch by inch down the gulley, and finding no point at which I could navigate my way back up the ridgeline to acquire the trail I wanted to be on, it soon became evident that I was going to have to spend the night in this cursed gulley. Damn, Lord Above, I must have really pissed you off for you to take this pot shot at me. Oh what a nightmare! It was sooooo damn difficult to actually make the decision to bed myself down on this trail, I cannot describe the mental evolutions I went through in telling myself to remain calm, make myself a bed in the middle of nowhere, and just stay there until the sun rose again in order to continue my travels preung-nee. For those who have no hiking experience, continuing would have been impossible after sunset, as in places like this, the darkness is absolute and therefore navigation is totally impossible. It would spell death or at least a broken leg or even broken back...which may also mean an eventual and agonizing slow death.

I therefore made the only possible decision: I gathered some vegetation and made myself a bed. At this point, it was quite dark, and I therefore had to hurry to do even that. Having gathered enough vegetation to place under me and even a bit over me to protect from the night drop in temperature, I laid down on the ground and covered myself as best I could on top and bottom. Shit, it doesn’t get much more miserable than this! Here I was in the middle of nowhere in the Doi Tung wilderness of the extreme Northern Thailand, bedded down in the mountain with no food, no clothing, no people around, and nothing to keep me warm. No one knew my whereabouts...another typical Caveman motif. I was stranded. As the sun dropped, I tried to force myself to sleep. It was nigh impossible. The temperature drop was considerable. What if it rained?! I would be screwed for sure. Hypothermia would be certain. Even as I was lucky that it did not rain, I began to shiver in the cold, having no clothing to protect me and suffering from exposure. Another thing happened that I had not reckoned upon. The forest of Northern Thailand came alive! Sounds from animals and / or wildlife the likes of which I knew not began to emanate from the trees. The nocturnal wildlife was coming out in full force. To make matters worse, the dark of night was complete. Blackness prevailed. I literally could not see the hand in front of my face. All I could see were the stars overhead in the small ribbon of sky that was visible to me in my gulley between the 2 ridgelines. My home for the evening. What a predicament.

Shapes started to appear out of the darkness. Was I imagining them? Is that a tiger? Is that a wild bore? A monkey perhaps? Will I be bitten on the nutsack by a giant centipede? How about a scorpion, snake, or poisonous spider? The noises of the nocturnal wildlife seemed to be getting closer and closer. I was completely enveloped and utterly helpless. The night seemed endless as did my misery in this impossible situation. I started to shout and even clap my hands when the “wildlife” seemed to be getting too close for comfort, even despite the fact that I could see nothing around me. Every time I shouted or clapped, the nocturnal wildlife sounds would stop for a small moment in recognition of the unfamiliar vibration in their forest community, but would soon gather the momentum and re-commence their activities. This went on and on throughout the night for what seemed like an unendurable eternity. It was about 11 hours from sundown to sunup, and when the sun did finally come up, I got myself out of my bedding, stretched, and did the only thing I could do: I continued my trek down the gulley in search of a way up the mountain side on top of which I knew there was a trail I needed to be on. I could scarcely believe I had survived the night.

After about an hour of continuing this treacherous course, I found a part of the mountain side that I thought I could navigate. In reality, it was no less steep than those parts that had preceded it, but at least there appeared to be a bit less mud on which to slip. Also, there were some trees in the area on which I could grab hold of to assist me to the top...or at least it appeared that way from my vantage point. It took about a full hour to do it, and on an empty tank at that, but do it I did!

Finally on the top, the vegetation was navigable and I recognized that I was on my main trail again. After a short time, I chanced upon some more hunters. They looked at me, mostly naked as I was, my gym shorts in complete tatters, scratches, bruises, abrasions from thorns on EVERY SQUARE INCH OF MY EXPOSED BODY (I counted hundreds of them later), and I must have had a forlorn look about me, and immediately tried to give me some assistance without my even uttering a single word. “What happened to you?”, they queried. I asked them for food, and they happened to have some canned food available. I ate it like a man who had not eaten for years, and drank their water gratefully. Thai hospitality, and well timed. They stared at me like you wouldn’t believe...I might as well have had six eyes or 3 arms or something. Anyway, a little while later after a short hike, I made it back to my car.

I made my way to a local hospital in Chiang Saen and they treated me with some antibiotics to prevent any kind of infection from setting in. I had lost 7 pounds in one day. The rather attractive nurse looked at my body and could scarcely believe the hundreds of small scratches and abrasions and bruises on my body. There was literally not more than about a square inch of my body on my torso or legs that was not damaged in some way. I counted over 50 scratches along on my right hand, and my entire body was similarly damaged. Luckily I had no broken bones or any serious injuries...it was just the number of small injuries and the fact that I was suffering from over-exposure from my escapade. The nurse attended to me and also decided to patch my eye, which had evidently caught a thorn somewhere along the trails.

The moral or the story is: there is none. Enjoy life today as if it’s your last day on Earth. It might be. Some day this will be true. Life is precious.

Giddayup cowboys.