Was It the Colonels or Wan?
By Korski

Myanmar Hotel Guide

• Mountain Top Hotel • Emerald Land Inn • Mandalay City Hotel • Mandalay Hill Resort

I was not surprised when I heard that Hans was dead.  I had thought the end would come soon and it would be his liver. I guess Hans was right in being paranoid.  The colonels would get tired of him taking what they saw as theirs.  Wan said they found his body in the river about eight kilometers north of Vientiane.  He had been decapitated and they had cut off his hands. Hans would have said this is how they would do it.

I was in Bangkok when I heard from Wan. It was to be my third trip to Vientiane that year.  I wanted to meet up with old friends in Bangkok before flying to Udon Thani and then heading for the border.  When I heard about Hans I wasn’t sure what to do.  I had now lost my supplier and the only thing left for me there was Wan.  With Hans gone maybe she would just move up country to be with her family and not return.  Our relationship had always been fragile and for the benefit of Hans.  At least that’s what Wan told herself and I told myself when morning came on and she had to go.

Hans and I met nearly eight years ago.  His old distributor had disappeared without a trace. Hans figured there was a wrong turn and someone took him out.  We got talking and drinking and he let on slowly about his needs.  I was down and nearly out and had no money. He tested me for a week or so on this and that.  Even then I could see the paranoia.  If he made a mistake that would be it he said. Why he trusted me then I don’t know.  Later trust was no problem between us.  We had become like brothers.  He needed someone to give him a hand with Wan and he got it in his mind that I was right for that.

I never doubted for a moment that he loved her in his own kind of way.  She loved him too I think.  You could see it in her eyes and the way she talked about him when we were in bed.  She would tell me about the tractor Hans bought for her father.  Or she would tell me about Hans putting one of her sisters through school.  Hans had a big heart.  He just couldn’t give Wan that different kind of love she needed.  She knew it was because of all the drinking and that he couldn’t help himself.  He knew this too.  I guess he figured that my helping him out couldn’t cause a problem since I spent so little time there.  I was only in Vientiane for a week or so to make arrangements and get the packages.  Then I would be on my way to Phnom Penh and Saigon to arrange for getting everything into the U.S. or Europe.

I don’t know how Wan thought about me in the beginning. She was a little frightened I think.  It didn’t seem right to her that Hans was giving her so much and then telling her to spend those nights with me.  At first I could see how much it hurt her.  We would finish up and I had made her happy and she would cry.  She cried for Hans and what he couldn’t do with her.

Wan had a black motorbike that she would drive all over town.  She looked so cute on it speeding away in the morning.  After leaving me she would go to the market to buy something to make for Hans when he woke up around midday.  That would be the only time he was really sober.  I don’t know if Wan ever told him at these times about what we had done.  Maybe he just didn’t want to know.  It was enough knowing she was getting a little of what someone her age needed. Wan is now nearly thirty.  She was twenty-two when I met her and shortly thereafter Hans asked me for the favor.  I was reluctant and didn’t like the idea at first.  But then I came to see it was part of our arrangement. That’s how Wan saw it too.

She wouldn’t shower before she came to bed with me.  I always found this a little strange. It was strange because she never left without scrubbing herself down good.  I guess she didn’t want the smell of me on her when she was with Hans for an hour or two before he was again hopeless.

Hans was quiet about lots of his life. I could only guess when he started drinking so heavily.  I had it figured it must have been after his mother took a turn for the worse. I could see why when he went over how close he had been to her.  He was closer than usual because he never got married.  Then her mind fell apart.  He would tell me the story every time I came.  Sometimes I thought he couldn’t remember telling me the last time I saw him. Other times I thought he just had to get it out one more time.  He couldn’t help himself.

He had a brother who he once told me had gone to live with monks in the mountains in northern Burma.  That’s how he first found himself in Southeast Asia.  He had gone to see his brother after their mother gave up.  Hans couldn’t find his brother and figured he had died and would never see him again.  That’s when he started wandering Asia and found himself in Laos. He never did find or hear from his brother.  That gave him an extra responsibility for his mother and caring for her until she died.  Then when she was gone and he already was into heavy drinking he returned to Laos and got into the drug business.

I guess Hans never got married because his mother was strong and so important in his life.  I tried a couple of times to ask him about girlfriends and such but he would just shake his head.  It was like women and girlfriends who make love were for other people.  Then when his mother was gone he could feel okay about having Wan around in a special way.  It was odd though how he never called her a girlfriend.  She was just a friend or Wan. I never asked her how she felt about this.

I sometimes thought it was impossible for Hans to love anyone but his mother.  Even Wan who he treated like a princess couldn’t really get into his heart like a woman might do.  Maybe that’s why it was easy for him to have me give her what he couldn’t.  What Wan and I did was never a part of his life.  I once tried to talk about sex and real love with Hans. He said that kind of talk was for other people.

He spoke of his mother as determined.  There was nothing she wouldn’t do for herself until the accident robbed her of her right leg. From then on she felt like a cripple and wouldn’t make all kinds of decisions.  She wanted Hans to do this and do that and tend to her every need.  Then after about a year or so of this she gave up.  She only wanted to die.  But she couldn’t die because she had a heart like a horse and nothing but her leg troubled her.  It didn’t even trouble her that much.  She got about with a cane or a walker. What she could never get over was being a cripple and not looking strong.  That was the point Hans always came back to his stories about her.  She wanted to die because she could no longer look strong and independent to her friends.

In the beginning I had a problem figuring out what drew Hans to Wan.  It took a while for it to sink in that she was maybe a lot like his mother before her accident.  Wan had taken control of seeing her parents were okay.  She looked after and got money for her brothers and sisters.  When Hans needed something or help with his business she was there for that too.  I came to think she was just being strong for Hans to go with me like she did.  She did it for him.  I could feel it in her body and sometimes in her hesitant kisses. They were kisses in the beginning she didn’t want to give me.  Later all this changed when her heart started moving closer to mine.  It was little things she said.  It was the way she stayed longer and wanted hugs and more kisses on the lips before going in the morning.

If she came early and felt good about what she had done for Hans the previous day we would go for a walk along the river.  It was less than a block from where I stayed.  We would walk hand in hand along the high bank and she would talk about being a child and coming to the big city. She would tell me stories about being really poor and sleeping on mats on the floor with her brothers and sisters. There were dogs and roosters and a pig or two around and papaya trees and banana plants in the yard.  I could sometimes picture Wan and her brothers and sisters and the animals all sleeping on the same mat.

After the third year of being with her for Han’s benefit Wan started asking me questions about my own life with women. I was vague and didn’t want to reveal much. But I really didn’t have much to tell her. I had had my share of girlfriends.  I tried something sort of permanent with a woman for six years.  It was good in the beginning and then we slid in different directions.  It was no one’s fault when we split up.  She told me one day she found another guy and that was it with me.  I didn’t mind all that much.  I was thinking of moving on by then too.

Hans didn’t ask me any questions about where I lived in the states.  He didn’t want to know.  He figured it was best that way if something went wrong.  At first I had a small place in a little town west of Des Moines, Iowa, not far from where I grew up.  But I had to give that up after about three years with Hans.  I began to hear questions that didn’t make sense. Some people started looking at me funny. I just packed up one day and moved on.  When I stopped I was in eastern Montana.  It wasn’t long before I found myself south of Denver.  Then later I got myself a little place outside of Las Cruces, New Mexico.  I always used a post office box.  I didn’t know who to trust.

Now I was in a pickle. I sent Wan some messages three days apart.  In the first one I asked how she was doing and if the colonels were after her too.  I heard nothing from her.  In the second message I asked her if she wanted me to come and if it was safe to do so.  I didn’t hear from her on this one either.  All this was unusual.  Wan always got back to me on everything pretty pronto.

I just have to figure something is up and it’s not good.  I’m not even sure if it would be good if I got a message now. That would make me suspicious and whenever I get suspicious I can’t take a chance.  I can’t take one even if it means never seeing Wan again.  I can see I’ve become a little like Hans.

More than a week has gone by and still nothing from Wan.  I don’t know.  Maybe the colonels got rid of her the same way they got rid of Hans.  But I’m suspicious.  That’s the way you get in this business. Ever the littlest things make you wonder and stop and change direction.  It’s even occurred to me it wasn’t the colonels after all who got rid of Hans.  Maybe Wan wanted more than Hans was giving her and he said no.  Maybe she got greedy.  I don’t know but I can’t take a chance.

While I've been waiting here in Bangkok to hear from Wan I got myself a girlfriend.  She’s not really a girlfriend.  I just call her that because she likes hearing that. We’ve only been together four days and I bought her a nice dress and some shoes. She’s real sweet to me.  But I don’t know.  I don’t speak Thai and she doesn’t speak much English and this is a problem.  Yesterday one of her friends was around us. Her friend was looking at me funny and I couldn’t get Jum by girlfriend of four days to explain what the funny look meant.  That’s a bad sign.  I think I might give it one more try for Jum’s sake.  If I don’t like the answer I get I guess I’ll have to say the same thing I recently said to Wan without saying it.  Then it’ll be time to get another new address.

 

The author can be contacted at : korski1@cox.net.
 The author of this website, NOT this article, can be contacted at: stickmanbangkok@gmail.com.